You know you love me. MadeGirl

Paris is beautiful, these days.

Studying in the school's garden has never felt so sweet.

For some reason, I am not thinking about him.

Could it be that I am moving on?

I kissed ∆ last tuesday. I kissed ∆ for a whole song in that creepy bar and did not even enjoy it.

Why kiss ∆, if I do not even find it nice?
Why kiss ∆, if I love ?
Is cheating a proof of non-love?

I love . However, no matter who I tell about my cheating episode, the auto-reply I get is that "if you cheat, you ain't in love, hun". Aren't I, really? Is willing to kiss someone else the ultimate proof that I do not love? On the contrary, is the absence of desire for others a proof of love for the one to whom I am faithful?

I think not. I think sexual pulsions -or in my case: seduction pulsions- are not related to love in any way. I think not being able, or not willing to refrain physical pulsions is nothing but a proof of immaturity.

My first love, and the most powerful I have had to this day, meant the world to me. Had he proposed to me or asked me to follow him all the way to Argentina to go grow cauliflower, I would have accepted. I would have accepted anything had it meant being with him. However, I went to Barcelona one week and cheated on him there. I did not even care about the other guy. I just needed to see the effect I could have on other men. I did not try to fight these pulsions, which was immature. There was no sign of an absence of love in that episode, however. I was not betraying the one I loved. I was being eighteen.

I am tired of these unwritten rules people refer to all the time, in order to judge you.
I think the very concept of these rules is a fraud.
I think there are not any rules in this matter.
I think there is not even one definition to it.

We all know at least one couple defying all the rules we can think of, a couple we just do not understand. I want every one of us to stop basing all their judgements on their own experience. There are things in this world far too great for the human mind to explain, or judge for that matter.

-A.C

So I need to get it out. Plus, since no one's reading this blog at the moment, I don't have to hold back.

 

I don't think I'm the kind to talk about how I feel to people I don't know. Only a few people know what I'm going through these days.

 

I've never felt so numb. I'm alone in this big apartment, just me and my cats. I'm walking around it all day, drowning. I feel so lonely here. Like no one's really there.

I feel like everyone wants something from me that I can't give them. Boys telling me they understand me when all they really want to do is fuck me. Girls telling me I need to call them whenever I feel bad, when really they have better things to do and never do pick up the phone when I call.

 All I've been doing the past month is eat all I could, throw it up in the bathroom, and smoke things that keep me from thinking about what's breaking me.

 

I hate him for leaving me. Why did he? Am I not good enough of a reason to make him stay?

Does he ever think of me? Does he regret leaving? Does he wanna come back?

Did he ever love me? Or even just like me? Did he ever care?

Why did he leave me? Why did he leave me? Why the fuck did he leave me?

I hate to think he's probably moving on. Looking at other girls. Flirting with them. Impressing them. Seducing them. Touching them.

I hate to think they could be touching him right now.

When I go to bed, I imagine he's lying right behind me, watching over me, smiling.

When I wake up, I don't turn around and look behind my shoulder, because I'm scared to see he's not there.

I'm scared it's never going to go away, that I'm never going to forget him. I'm scared I won't ever forgive him.

 

I feel like everyone here is against me, watching me, judging me, trying to get something from me.

I don't fell safe with my own family anymore. I don't recognize them anymore. Maybe it's me who's changed.

I just feel trapped with them. They hurt me. I don't think they know how hard it hurts.

 

I know everything goes away, or at least I'm convincing myself it does.

I pray it'll all get better. I'll get better. I have to.

I've been feeling dead for the past three days.

Not sick-dead, transparent-dead.

I talked to my so-called friend Joanna yesterday.

She told me it was okay.

And that I shouldn't care.

But that's it.

I can't anymore. I just can't "not care" anymore.

I'd have to pretend

That it's okay if I repeat the year.

That it's okay if I feel worthless at home.

That it's okay if he's gone and never coming back.

And I can't do that.

 

He left.

To Spain.

For ever.

I'm a shadow of myself.

Nothing pleases me,

Or makes me satisfied

Any more.

How to fight

This cruel

Proximity

Between passion

And emptiness.

 

Joaqin Sabina - Y sin embargo te quiero

 

 

We argued last night.  It was the best date we ever had.

 

He told me he's going to Argentina this summer, and might not come back. I don't want this to happen. Without being in love, I love what we have and I don't want to lose it.

 

Tell me it's all gonna be alright.

Melendi - Te quiero como el Mar

 

Spent the last 48 hours with Burrito Guy, and he's been acting like an ass. We all have our ass-moments, but tonight was really annoying.

I just got home, and I'm going to bed. At least my stuffed animals don't snore.

So, newsflash for April 22nd, 2007 :

 

• Today was the French presidential election first round, and I'm happily suprised, I guess. The participation rate of the vote was a record : 85 %. And the socialist candidate is one of the two that are left for the second round. I'm proud of my country right now. First, because people realized the major impact that voting has of our lives. Not voting is denying this liberty that our ancestors fought for, it's denying that we live in a democracy that allows us to choose who the boss is gonna be for the next five years. What I don't understand is why 29% of the citizens voted in favor of a tyran : Nicolas Sarkozy. I'm really scared of what is going to happen if/when the guy is elected. He is a scary person.

 

• I feel beautiful these days. Roberto and the weather make me feel beautiful.

 

• I love cheeseburgers. Cheeseburgers are awesome.

 

• I have stopped calling myself a veggie.

 

• I love you, I love me, I love the world.

-The Gorgeous

Hey there readers-

 

Roberto and I have been seeing each other for a week now.

The guy has his own personal opinion on human relationships, and falling in love is obviously not part of his life plan.

So far, we what have has been great. The flirting, the talking, the sex. I just hope I'm not gonna fall for him. That would mean trouble. I already get this really disturbing feeling right after have sex, as we start cuddling. I feel like cuddling forever, and fall asleep in his arms. ~And theres she goes, getting all corny and stuff~

I can't fall for him.

That would mean the end of me.